Still hurts

Today is the one year anniversary of my dad’s passing. I can’t believe how fast it has gone. Making it through all of the milestones without him cut so deep. I am selfish!! I want him here with me. I want to hear his laugh or one more dad joke. I want one of his hugs that made everything better. I want to hear him play his guitar and sing way out of key. I want him here!!! I can still hear him around me and so many things are reminders, a song or a smell… I am thankful for the time I had with him, he was a great dad. I will never regret my decision, but I am lost without him.

Trying to Remember

I haven’t written in awhile because things are all boggled up in my brain. Today would have been my dad’s 67th birthday, the last true holiday to get through without him. It is a rainy, stormy mess so I feel the Angel’s feel the same as I do today, angry and sad! I miss him so much! I am doing my best moving forward.

One Year

One year! 12 months, 365 days, 5256000 minutes and 31536000 seconds. March 31, 2020 my world shut down. My job closed, my daughter moved out of our apartment with the intention to move to Las Vegas and I was sick! The news was going crazy about the covid-19 pandemic. I was lost and confused and very lonely. We had to quarantine from everybody! Our families, friends, and co-workers. Easter was right around the corner and no one could get together. I was already losing time with my dad, the pandemic separated us more. Fear was instilled, uncertainty loomed over our heads, distrust in the powers that be seeped into our core.”Do this, do that. DON’T do this, DON’T do that!” So much confusion set in. Lies to keep us in the dark so we would follow blindly. A year! Realizing that trusting in a higher power, trusting our own guts, being proactive for ourselves made more sense. Did I believe the hype? Yes! I knew people were getting sick, had family that “got it!” They just didn’t get it to the extreme the news was reporting. I knew people were dying, they let us know every. Day. The numbers! It was so depressing. There was no way to get away from it… unless I shut the television off! I couldn’t function without my family or people in general. I needed human connection, contact with the outside world. I ended up moving in with my brother and his family. I made it possible to help with my dad! I got out of the house and into the sun! I called my kids as much as I could to hear their voices. I needed to know they were okay. Mother’s day was lonely. Work opened back up with crazy restrictions. I got out on the 4th of July for some normalcy! I lost my dad, my grandson was born and I went on my very first amazing vacation. I chose to live! The world is slowly easing back into movement. Yesterday, I got the vaccine. It was a hard decision. I didn’t do it for political or religious reasons, but to keep being vigilant with my health. I will be the one keeping myself and others safe. I will shield who I can. I am hopeful for the future. I shut the television off! I go out and eat at restaurants! I shop at the stores! A year later, still masking up, still sanitizing everything, still “social distancing,” I appreciate more, I slow down and take in all that is around me, I pray more, I let my family and friends know that I love them. I finally release the fear and uncertainty to God. He has always had my back and been by my side, this pandemic was no different. He has kept me healthy and safe. ONE YEAR!

Circle of Life

This morning I am sitting in my chair looking out the big picture window anticipating the arrival of my daughter. I get to meet my grandson soon. It brought back a memory. My daughter loved her grandpa and grandma and for her second birthday I had a party. She was excited at all the activity around her as I was setting up the room, she was underfoot. I put a chair next to the big window and gave her a doll to hold with instructions “to watch for grandma and grandpa.” She always took direction and listened, so she did as she was told. I took a moment from decorating and snapped a picture of her. Her tiny dress shoes on her feet dangling, her dress politely covering her knees and hugging her dolly. She looked out that window so diligently, waiting… her excitement was so hysterical when she spotted them pulling in the drive, she jumped off that chair and stood, body wiggling in a little dance at seeing them. I now feel that same excitement. All the hardships of last year and the cold gloomy weather, this is what I need. I needed to feel excited about something. I needed a purpose to fight again. And now I do. I get to hold my grandson for the first time. To see the wonder and hope and all things new again. God always knows when to send that miracle. My grandson, my miracle.

December 25, 2020

Today Ma and I got up and started our routine as we do every morning. She prepared our coffee and we turned on our favorite morning show. I sent out texts to loved ones wishing them all a Merry Christmas. It was hard to get into the spirit of the season this year so I didn’t send out my signature Christmas cards. Due to the pandemic there were no family dinners or gift exchanges for us. My brother and his wife did get us a little something to open on Christmas day. The distance has made this year even harder. Tears have stained my cheeks since I went to bed, knowing that today was not going to have my dad in it is crushing me. I am not the only one who has experienced great loss so I know I’m not alone, but boy does it feel like it! Since I’ve been divorced, I have always visited my parents on Christmas, everyone else is out doing things with their significant others and their extended families so I would show up an annoy my parents. Lol. It was a way to cope with the loneliness the season brought me. Now it is only ma and me. Today we will push through and be as festive as we can when friends and family call, but when we shut the phone down our sadness will hover over our heads. I was reminded that no matter what I am going through that I have to remember that the reason for this season is the birth of our savior. The light and the hope to keep going is the message and I need to keep that message close. I know things will get easier with time, but right now it’s too new, too hard to let go. God bless any and all who are experiencing loss this Christmas or for those that still struggle with those who have gone long before. I understand now.


When I sit and think about the people who have entered and exited my life over the forty-eight years I’ve been on this earth, I am amazed at the wonderful friends I have made. I have been blessed with a friendship that has lasted thirty-two years and still going strong. She has been by my side during some really wonderful moments and then she has held my hand and wiped my tears through the hardest time of my life. She is not the only friend that I consider a “best” friend, there is another who I’ve only known a little over four years, completely opposite of the other, yet just as important. She challenges me and fuels the other side of my personality… It really doesn’t matter the longevity of a friendship but the powerful impact they make in your life. A good friend will listen to you boast about your kids accomplishments without rolling their eyes, listen to you complain about the most petty things that happened in your day, will laugh at your dumb jokes~ because they get you, they always have something to say to pick you up when your sad and blue, have your back when you run your mouth, but most of all a great friend will encourage your dreams and what is important to you. I love everybody wholeheartedly, so when someone comes into my life I really hold onto them tight and cherish them, there are just a few special ones that reciprocate the same values that I hold dear in a friendship. I am blessed and thankful for the love and loyalty we share. I hope and pray you all have someone you can let your hair down and be yourself around. It is an amazing feeling and very special.

In My Head, Out of My Mind

I have always thought that I was a strong minded person. I can usually rationalize crazy situations. I am a hot head, so I spout off first, think later. But these times that we are a living are tougher than I have ever imagined! I mean, the History Channel has documentaries about how back in the day this is what happened and this is how they survived. They don’t talk about HOW they dealt with it. I have been struggling since the pandemic shut the world down back in April. I had a little meltdown. Being a social butterfly who needs people and human interaction, I was a mess. Not only that, it meant I couldn’t see my dad. I was already losing time with him, but then he was quarantined for his safety. Today I sit and wonder what to think of things to come. I’m lost and confused. I cry all the time. The world is still crazy, with no positive outlook anytime soon. I can’t physically see or hug my family and that rips my heart to pieces. I crave one on one conversation. Kids today probably are okay with talking on the phone or texting or video chatting, not me! I want to experience a human connection. I haven’t been to church since before the shutdown, can’t open my Bible and I’ve never been like that. I love God’s guidance and to read His word, but I’m struggling and I know I am not the only one. I have no positive words or phrases to pass along due to the fact that I need them myself. I just hope we all come out the other side of this whole and healthy.

The First Snow

I woke up yesterday morning to a beautiful blanket of white. Being born and raised in the Midwest snow is as normal as breathing. We know once Fall has been announced the white stuff is possibly going to make an appearance at any given moment. Fall and Winter kind of fight for their season, Spring and Summer also try to fight for a spot, we can have all four seasons in one day! But that first snow is magical no matter when it decides to show up. Being up so early, the virgin snow is untouched by humans. No one has desecrated its prestine crispness. There is a peacefulness that hangs in the air. The trees seem almost happy with their new embellishment, majestically extending their limbs showing off how the white improves their dull brown bark. Every house looks like a perfect scene from a Norman Rockwell painting. It is all wonderful when there is no place to go. Soon the sun will warm the earth, humans will awake and deface the perfect vision, mud and muck will erase my once perfect memory for a moment. Until the next time.

Confessions from the Holly Jolly Dee

It has started, holiday commercials and movies. I am known as the happy, jolly, always smiling and kind pushover. Christmas is the season of love and hope, but what a lot of people don’t know is… I hate it all! Oh,I love family time, but I only get one day. Since my kids were little and their dad and I divorced, I had to share. I had to work around his “Catholic” schedule. He claimed that his family would go to midnight mass so that meant he got to wake up Christmas morning with them. I found out years later that they never went to church at all. Christmas without your babies just sucks! All the holidays do is remind me of how alone I am. All of the holidays are like that. I am always invited to dinners but it feels like sympathy invites. Lame I know. Christmas movies make me gag, like none of that could ever happen in real life and it shoves salt in those lonely wounds. This year my dad is gone, that was the one place I would go when I was on my own. Long story short, just because someone is happy and smiling on the outside doesn’t mean they have it all together, it’s because they know how it feels to be lonely and they want to spread some happiness to someone else. Their smile could be hiding their pain, but want to make sure you don’t have to feel that way. My confession doesn’t mean I’m going to stop smiling and being all bubbly. I just wish it was easier to deal with the holidays better.

Cyrnese (Book 1)

Nigel watched as Cyrnese attended Brynn. Her tenderness spoke to his heart. She washed her face with a cool rag and spoke in a soft whisper.
“My name is Cyrnese Etan of Brandywine. I’m here to help you.”
“Thank ye, misstress.” Brynn smiled a weak smile and Cyrnese felt her insides melt.
“Save your strength, rest.” Cyrnese patted the back of her folded hands, then stood. She removed her cloak and had Nigel prepare a stronger fire. She had Daniel retrieve a large pot with instructions to fill it with water from the rain. She removed different small glass viles and herbs from the wicker basket Edit had given her.
Cyrnese busied herself grinding powders, steeped teas over the fire then hung garlic, Angelica and jasmine in all corners of the hut. In her mind she prayed to herself that she would be able to summon The Gift her mother claimed she possessed. This kind sweet woman with the azure blue eyes, so frail and trusting… ‘trusting ME to heal her.”
She felt a familiar buzz in her head and then that voice.
“Cyrnese! I have faith in your abilities. I can see the strength in you. You have purity and kindness that Is needed to push through this evil.”