I decided to sit at the window, usually I tuck myself in a dark corner and hide from the world, ignored and forgotten. I’m looking out at the dismal foggy day. The cold wind and rain matched my mood. I sat and listened to the buzz of people coming in and out of the coffee shop, everyone coming in at lunch to fulfill their expensive guilty pleasure. I’m no different than any of them. I’m imagining the cheap cardboard cup is my favorite mug from home. I wrap my cold hands around it to warm my outsides as I take a sip of my four dollar hot caramel macchiato blend to warm my insides. Laying on the table in front of me is a notebook and a pen. Today is the day I confront a demon of sorts. I have trouble talking about certain things and my therapist suggests doing what I do best… write it out! It was suggested that I write a letter to the person that hurt me, address it to myself, then send it in the mail to myself.
My writer’s group does a monthly prompt and this month we are to write any type of prose but the title has to be the word “Acrimonious/ly” I figured i’d kill two birds with one stone. Here goes!
Most mornings I rush around with my routine. I shower, dress, do my hair, and teeth. Done! I don’t linger long looking in that piece of glass. Because I do not like the person looking back and I haven’t for some time now. I don’t want to see the scars you left behind. Today, however, I will look deep into each mark left by you.Today I will look in that mirror and look at the terrified woman you created! My eyes do not hold the same bright luster of years gone by. They are now shielded, guarded. My smile isn’t as wide and carefree as it once was, now it is forced so no one will ask, “are you okay?” My shoulders are slumped over and tired, no longer do I stand straight with the confidence I once had in myself. I made a choice one day and I have paid dearly. That choice was meeting and trusting you. I threw caution to the wind and thought you were who I was supposed to share my life with. I built concrete walls for a reason and you seemed to care enough to take the time using my faith and loyalty to family; you hammered and chiseled your way through that armor I placed around myself to protect me from such evil. YOU. you used the very thing I loved most, church, prayer, and the Bible and your own kids to lure me. Until all that was left was a sheer sheet of fragile glass, you got me in a vulnerable state. In one night you tapped that glass and shattered it to pieces! Now I’m raw and bare, left injured, black and blue. Broken! I could not nor did I have time to cry, I had to save myself and another that I unwittingly had with me. I had to get us out! I was thankful I was not a weak woman, as I saw it for what it was and I knew not to let it go. I took the appropriate measures, so I thought, only to have that last line of defense fail me. No, I had to defend myself and move forward with what shred of faith I had a hold onto. What you did was unthinkable, unimaginable, and unforgivable. I have hate in me now. Now I can’t trust. Because of you, the thought of someone innocently touching me or trying to hold my hand, or a simple hug makes me cringe and fold into myself. I have lost my sense of peace. I have no desire to let anyone come close. The disdain I have for you alone is not healthy for me, yet I cannot find it in my brain to accept that it was all you and not something I did to bring on such a vicious act of violence towards my being. Your savage act of betrayal has me looking over my shoulder wondering if some stranger walking by knows that I have a scathing, venomous and malicious thought process in my head. If he walks up to me, I’ll take him out! I learned how to shoot a gun, I no longer can sit with my back to crowds and I learned how to protect myself… funny, though, the devil ended up being someone I trusted, someone that waited until I physically could not defend myself. It was you, you were the evil I allowed in. I despise you with every fiber of my being and those thoughts I have towards an innocent stranger is how I think of you. I imagine the most horrific things happening to you without a care of judgement on myself. I don’t know how long it takes to heal from something like this or if I can. I just know you should not be allowed to breathe the same air as I do. I truly believe in Karma at this point but fear it will come back on me if I do not let this go. My faith says I need to forgive… I am not there yet and I’m not sure when I will be. We’ll see if this first step is the right step.
Me, you know who I am!