The Reluctant Believer
“The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”
I was born in nineteen-seventy-two, Vietnam was ending and an unforgiving world was getting broken men and women back home, i’m sure for them hell wasn’t too far from thier minds and they probably thought or hoped the end was near. maybe not in the biblical sense, but still…
War has been a part of our history since the beginning of time and so has been temptation. Our human flesh being tested and tested over and over. lol. The Bible and the “moral stories” there to guide us to do the right thing. I have to touch on this because I am no different than anyone else. I do my best to be a good, faithful Christian but I am not a theologin with all the resourses at my fingertips nor do I claim to be. I know what I know which is my own heart and head.
I know Jesus exists! I have physically seen Him! Children are not wired to lie or make up outlandish stories at the age of five, so the account is legit, epsecially for those that were there that day; now I wouldn’t understand this for a few more years or so to understand the impact He had on my life. I heard his voice when I was fifteen, telling me “It wasn’t time, yet” during another precarious incident in my life and I felt Him holding my hand during the two scariest moments in my life. I knew it was Him because no one else was in the room. I have witnessed miracles within my own body that science and doctors cannot explain. On all accounts, I should not be here writing this piece. YET, I still question. WHY do I do this? I should be screaming from the mountain tops of His existance, His love and mercy. NO, I shy away like a mouse. Jonn 20:25 “The other desciples therefore said unto him, We seen the Lord. But he said unto them, Except I shall see his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side. I will not believe.” Good ole doubting Thomas, thats me! Then I think about Juda, who betrayed Christ and Peter who denied Him. These guys walked with Him, broke bread and were there listening to Him first hand. I don’t have a chance!
Touching on this is important because I have a theory as to why the last few generations are fed up and done with holding onto the Christian values and beliefs. The sky is always falling! in the eighties it was the Afghan war, Lebanon. The nineties brought in the gulf war, Bosnia, then Y-2K had us all paranoid. There were “signs” that the second coming was soon… for decades and still with the latest pandemic! Every pastor preaching the end is near and picking apart different passages in the Bible, the signs about the end times and how we all need to find and get right with Jesus. I am not too sure it works that way. I have known Jesus my whole life, it wasn’t until I was forty when I decided to have a personal relationship with Him. Just because the world is going to shit does not mean it is armageddon. No one knows when he’s coming back. Matthew 24:36 “But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, but My Father only.” The sky is falling, then nothing…The world falls back into its groove and now all those against the Bible are doing the “I told ya so” dance.
Then you have the ones who need to physically see a miracle firsthand. As if the armageddon falsehoods aren’t enough. I think to myself, oh dear one I pray it isn’t a life threatening experience because those are scary and painful lessons. I don’t go too deep into this because that’s not what I want. Spiritual debates are for those way smarter than me. I touch on this because I want to get to my third installment. Purpose.
I am still a believer. I love my Father in heaven. I just get so overwhelmed with all the heaviness I allow in. I’ve been kicked down to the point of knees and hands being imbedded in the gravel, there are scars. This last time when I was down and couldn’t get up, he knelt beside me and whispered, “well kid since we’re down here we might as well pray!” He then sends the most unlikely person with a message. A friend and her kitten! Yes… a kitten. I listened. I cried. I submitted.
Part III coming soon…